Welcome to chapter four friends. We are so glad you are here with us. I am filling in for Megan, our amazing book club hostess because 3/4 of her babies are sick. We all know how it is to be up all night and wonder how on earth you are going to get through the next minute, let alone write a blog post. We are sending her all our love and prayers and trusting everyone is better soon.
Today, I get to introduce you to one of my favorite chapters, called “When Life Hurts Too Much” by Brooke. This chapter feels like a sacred pause to me. If we were all together in one room we’d be on our knees and passing kleenex boxes around. I know this because last April I had the chance to watch and listen as Brooke shared this story with some weary mamas in Austin, TX. Hurting hearts laid down heavy burdens that day. I was deeply moved. So much so, when it was my turn to speak next, I didn’t want to break into the preciousness of the moment. I remember thinking and saying, “Brooke, that was beautiful.” And it still is.
From Chapter 4:
When life hurst too much, we desperately search for a way out, clawing away from the point of pain. Pain by definition, hurts, makes us uncomfortable, and changes our perspective. And I’ve found that pain, disappointment, and challenge tend to make me question the God who made me.
“Do You not see me? Do You not love me?”
Why? Why would we choose to follow a God who allows our pain? Why give our hearts to a God who doesn’t always answer our desperate prayers the way we think is best? Why serve a God who allows our children to die, our spouses to get sick, our houses to burn and our kingdoms to fall?” p. 48
Watch Brooke:
(Note from Brooke: Hey friends! I had to cut my video a bit short to get it on YouTube! So sorry. The part you can’t see simply says that if you’ve placed your faith in Jesus, He’s right there with you, right now. He’s never left you, never forsaken you, and is waiting with open arms for you to take the first step home.)
Connect:
Friends, we realize that this chapter may have broke something wide open in your heart. We know that many of us have places we have shut off to the Lord due to grief or loss. Like Brooke said in this chapter, healing takes time. Part of the healing process is to invite the Lord back into that place that hurts too much. We would love to pray for you and with you today. If you would be brave enough to take the first step and leave a comment we promise to cover you in prayer.
We would especially like to invite moms who have experienced a pregnancy loss of any kind including miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or failed adoption to leave a comment. For “Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:2. Our team will pray for you by name.
*To read more about Brooke’s experience of pregnancy loss, and the way God met her there, visit her blog, Surprised By Life.”
I must say that this chapter broke me wide open! Here I am on the elliptical crying my eyes out as I read this chapter this morning. I am taken by surprise at how much the pain is still deep. Many days I can just hold it together and seek God but many times I cry out to Him to help heal my heart…and maybe what I need is a lot more faith and some time. I can reflect back and see His hand in my life but your description of sucker punched fits just right except two times. I was in a terrible situation with my work and it was a blessing to get pregnant and to have the ability to more to another place but shortly after that I had my first baby at 9 weeks. God blessed me and I got pregnant again shortly after but just before Thanksgiving this past year I lost my second baby at 10 weeks. (I do have a son who is 4 years old and so wonderful and sweet so technically my 2nd & 3rd baby). I was devastated and I couldn’t seem to see past my grief. I continued to go to church but the pregnant women and newborns also caused tears to well up in my eyes. I am still healing and still seeking God. I know that He has a plan and I keep reminding myself of that. Everyday I try to draw closer to Him and keep praying that He will heal my heart.
Oh Julie…you’re on the right path my friend. God is faithful. He will heal as you open your heart to Him again. “Lord, I ask You to be with Julie now. Thank You for opening the wounds we’ve pushed aside, or that are too painful for us to open by ourselves. You love Julie too much to allow her not to be healed, and Your grace is evident in her words this morning. Bless her with comfort, pour out deep and abundant grace, and use her for Your glory. In Jesus’ Name.
Right now I am in that very raw place with God. I spend most days hovering in a fog of tears and the pain feels very real. I find myself questioning God and wondering why He gave me such a deep longing to adopt from Russia. Last spring, I went to my husband and asked him to make the decision about adoption. I was prepared at that point for him to say no. In fact, I wanted him to say no. I wanted to release the dream.
But God wouldn’t give him the freedom to say no and the desire and dream looked like they would finally come to fruition. I find myself wondering in these days why God didn’t give Lee the freedom to say no to adoption. Why didn’t He shut the door when my heart was ready for it?
I feel very confused by all of this. I believe that God lays things on our hearts for a reason and I believe God is honored when we says yes to hard things. But I don’t understand why I’m in the place I’m in today. And truthfully, I don’t know if the door to Russia is completely closed. It’s sort of hanging in the balance.
I’m not waiting very well or very patiently.
I sat before the Lord this morning and asked Him to reveal Himself to me in my pain and frustration and confusion. I opened my Bible and immediately read this verse: “Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless. Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow.” Isaiah 1:17
I don’t know what it means that I turned to that verse after seeking God’s face. I’m so very confused right now, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that sitting at His Feet is the best place to be. I just wish it wasn’t so foggy…
I know how you feel. I keep praying He will take away my desire for another baby. That He would not allow me to get pregnant, just to loose another another one. My husband and I always shift so that we aren’t on the same page about not trying anymore.
Elizabeth – I took my husband and me a while to be on the same page too. Give it time and ask God for wisdom.
Lord, I ask you to bless Elizabeth with wisdom, and to keep her close to Your side as You heal her from these losses. If it would please You Lord, show her Your plans for their future children and give her a heart to embrace Your plans. Comfort her, bend down to listen, help her to feel You beside her. In Jesus’ Name.
Sweet friend, I am praying for you right now. I know your heart longs for answers, I’m praying for a clear word spoken by God for you and your family. Fog has a way of covering us, but sometimes it is the fog that protects us. I do not know why the door seems to be closing, but I do know that God has a purpose for this and a plan for you.
Lord God, thank you for Kelli and her family. Thank you that they are listening for your voice and that they have open arms to receive orphans. You have placed this desire in their heart knowing,it would not be a simple journey. We thank you for your presence, we thank you for your hand upon them, Lord we thank them for this fog and the chance to trust you deeply in the things they do not know.
We pray specifically for your will and the child you have chosen to be part of the Stuart family.
You see her.
You know and strongly support her.
May you bring her home, quickly.
In the mean time, may your peace pour into the broken places of Kelli’s heart. Let her walk by faith and not by sight. Be her constant hope, Lord Jesus.
Thank you, Stacey. Your prayer brought a fresh set of tears, but they were the good kind of tears. The blessed kind.
Love you both and I’m so grateful and thankful for the way you are ministering to the hearts of Mamas everywhere. I am joining you in prayer for all the Mamas here who are experiencing pain and loss.
This is very timely.
I have had 3 miscarriages (2 within the last 2 years). I am pregnant again, tomorrow I will be 8 weeks. Today I go for an ultrasound and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I am so afraid of seeing another baby without a heart beat. I have done this so many times ( this is my 7th pregnancy) it wont take but a moment for me to know. It has been such a battle over my mind the last 3 weeks. I have tried so much to focus on God and hope, but I am constantly bombarded with thoughts of the worst.
God we pray for this child that you have knit together in Elizabeth’s womb – you know and created with loving hands. We pray for a strong and steady heartbeat today. We ask you to give Elizabeth a peace that surpasses all understanding.
May she know without a shadow of a doubt, she does not ever walk alone.
Lord Jesus, we ask You for a heartbeat. We ask ou to pour life, and health, and well-being in this tiny one You created. Be so very close to Elizabeth today. In Jesus’ Name.
I just wanted to share that we saw a good strong heartbeat yesterday!!! First check point has been crossed praising the lord for a good report!!
Amen
I went through a miscarriage in Nov 2008. We had been married for 12 years with no sign of pregnancy and I was just coming to terms with the fact that we might not ever have children, when BAM! The doctor figured the baby stopped growing around 7 weeks – just one week after we saw our first ultrasound/heartbeat but we didn’t know about it for a couple of weeks later. Our story doesn’t end there – we were blessed with a beautiful little girl just two years later. But I was completely amazed at how many women “came out from the woodwork” when they learned of my miscarriage to tell there story. It’s as if people feel it’s taboo to talk about it. Even the doctors and nurses at the clinic didn’t tell me much about what would happen and how to prepare. I was very fortunate to have an OB nurse as a close friend, and a neighbor across the street who suffered a miscarriage 6 months earlier who guided me through it all.
I was blown away by the numbers too Carmen. So many walking wounded who need to know that their grief and questions are OK.
Lord, thank you for taking such good care of Carmen. We praise You for the lives she has carried – those still with her, and those now with You. Help her to rest in Your loving arms. In Jesus’ Name.
Losing our first child at almost 4 months pregnant was heartbreaking. I knew from the moment they told me I was pregnant something was not right. It did not buffer the pain and agony I felt when we lost him. I still have twinges of what if and what would he be doing right now? He would be the older brother Vin and Alice. I find I think something, or rather someOne is missing from our lives and it is a hole that can’t be filled. I can’t wait to meet him in heaven. I am still his momma.
Oh Mary you are so RIGHT! You’re a mother of THREE, not a mother of two. There is something missing in your life, but if you’ll allow Him, Jesus can give you such amazing contentment in the gifts He’s allowed you to hold. You will always be his mama my friend.
Lord Jesus, thank you for giving enough grace to Mary that she understands her place as this precious one’s mother whether he’s here in her arms or not. Help us all to embrace our lost children as the reality they were and are, and to praise You for taking such good care of them in heaven. Comfort Mary with the comfort only You can truly give. In Jesus’ Name.
Reading through Facebook to distract myself from laying in my hospital bed. I had a ectopic pregnancy at 7-8 weeks. Heartbroken and spilled out. That’s not everything. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children and my husband has 2 awesome kids from a previous marriage. We have a great family but we are missing two babies. This is Jan and in Oct ( 15th on infant loss day) we had our first miscarriage at 6 weeks. Went for US & i could see that the baby was not attatched correctly. That was the worse pain in my life. Not to mention the comments people made like “it wasn’t meant to be ” or ” I’m
sure something wasx wrong with the baby ” we were told by our Obgyn we could try again we got pregnant right away THRILLED TO SAY THE LEAST!! at 6 weeks started spotting! Scared to death but we did blood work & everything was great!!! Yesterday my side hurt so bad like never before I thought I had kidney stones , came to ER and ended up having to be rushed in for emergency surgery to remove my angel baby who was still living and thriving in my tube. They also removed my tube. My husband saw pictures of our Angel baby ( I will today ) & the helplessness in his face left me with tears. Why why why God is all I can get out. The heart is overwhelming but God is holding me and if it wasn’t fior his Grace they would be moving me up to the psych ward (lol) because it’s more than I can take or process. I still feel pregnant. But in not. I am a mother of 3 step mother of 3 and mother of 2 precious babies I will see in heaven. So sad to know my babies little body went off to pathology . As for my other, all i have is a positive pregnancy test.
Oh my friend. My heart hurts so much for you right now. And I’m asking the Lord to comfort you in a special way as you look at those pictures. Remember sweet one, that that life is valuable, not only to you but to God. He sees your tears, and loves you all the more during this painful time.
Lord, please be so very close to Mariel today as she sees her precious one. Give her the strength to endure as she takes these first steps down a long road of healing. I pray that You would hold her tight, and refuse to let her get away from You as she questions and deals with her fears. Wrap her up in Your strong arms, and reassure her of Your tender love and care for her, and her babies. In Jesus’ Name.
Came across post while in hospital & The hurt is overwhelming I meant to say . I have 3 kids 6,5,3 & 2 beautiful step kids 20, 7 and two Angel Babis. I worded that wrong at the end of my post. Thanks <3
I had my first miscarriage this past Christmas. We found out we were expecting on Christmas eve. We were so excited. We are military and we plan our pregnancies around moves and deployments and the timing was great. Then we miss carried in early January. We also found out it was a supplement I was taking that caused the miscarriage. My brain doesn’t convert trytophane into serotonin, so I was taking a supplement to help. Downside is it can cause a miscarriage.
I feel such guilt but still wonder if God didn’t think I could handle three. I don’t believe this is how God punishes us. I don’t think I will ever get over my guilt but find peace in awaiting the day I will see my baby and meet her/him for the first time. I am envious knowing my child already knows what the arms of Jesus feel like. This experience has helped me find so much more joy in my two wild, fun boys.
Rebecca, I’ve wondered the same thing. My husband and I have talked about how God works, and I don’t believe losing a baby is a punishment. Not at all. But we have wondered if God didn’t think we could handle three either. That questions begs all kinds of others – like “well if You didn’t think we could handle three why did You allow us to get pregnant in the first place??” It almost just seems mean of God until You go back to the Garden. Yes, God is in control of everything. But when sin came into the world, it didn’t just affect our salvation, it affected everything in God’s creation – including our bodies. The world, including our bodies, are not functioning in the perfect way God intended anymore. I’m not saying it was a sin on your part that led to the miscarriage, but sin overall has made this world not our home. And a grievous place to live at times.
Oh Lord, thank You so much for giving Rebecca joy in the gifts You’ve given. Help her every day to find what’s right with her life – the gifts – and praise You all the more for what she has. Comfort her whenever she remembers. And as she heals over time, use her to bring comfort to others. In Jesus’ Name
I know what it is like to wait for the other shoe to drop–wondering what God is going to allow to happen next. Going through stuff now, I believe and holding fast that God knows what is best and knows what I can handle. God is for me! I had a hard time believing that during my miscarriage and other hard times. I didn’t want to accept that God’s value doesn’t change, but it is true. I was mad at Him, but I also had to go to Him for help. It was hard, but He was and is still here. His shoulders are big enough to handle whatever I am going through and even when I don’t trust Him. Don’t be afraid.
Brooke–thank you so much for sharing your heart. I can’t imagine that much loss. You will help many people because you shared.
Mamas–be blessed:)
Jennifer thank you for taking the time to encourage other moms here today with hurting hearts. I am praying for you – that God will meet you right now and that you will experience great peace. You are seeking Him and that is the best place to be.
He is found by those who seek Him.
I miscarried in April 2009. I hurt so much, I tried to walk away from God, but He wouldn’t let me go. Through the struggle part (we found out really early and had countless blood tests, three ultrasounds in a matter of 4-5 weeks) we had the opportunity to fight for Precious by taking progesterone. We felt as if God was asking us to trust Him more than the doctors. When the baby passed away, I was devastated. I didn’t want to be anywhere near a God who would ask to trust Him and then bail on us. I cried a lot. When we were pregnant again in September, I assumed we would deliver in December and God had hidden the baby from the doctors. The ultrasound was scheduled weeks from the original due date and I knew we would find a full term baby. Imagine my heartbreak and confusion, when it was a healthy 17 week baby. I had to grieve all over again.God offered solace by speaking to my heart, “In my mercy, I have allowed this.” Then, I decided He was not a God worth following. I was done. Through a lot of just needing to cling to Him, despite my resolution, He has brought peace. We have been shown how God has used such a short life to bring healing to others. My little Joelle is such a blessing and I have become grateful for the miscarriage. I have a day in April that I cry and cling to God. I have moments where my heart is overwhelmed, but I cry, I cling, and then begin moving again. ( I have a boy and girl prior and a girl and a boy after)
Sweet Angie, Thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly here today. My heart breaks for you as you’ve walked down this path and endured so much heartache. But I am thankful for a God that never left you and for His Peace that surpasses all understanding in this world.
Heavenly Father, thank you for Angie. Thank you that you’ve never once left her side, that you never will. Even when we doubt, when we hurt so much we can’t understand…you’re there. Thank you for redeeming her loss and for holding her up and increasing her faith in you. Father, I pray that you will wrap your arms around her today and everyday as her pain is still very real. And I thank you for loving Angie so much. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
No words can describe the pain. I have no children alive with me, but I have two unborn children in heaven. In June 2012 I found out I was pregnant while miscarrying. It was unreal to me I stayed in shock,I was all types of emotions. I was in California at the time on vacation, and I just wanted to run away. December 2012,I found out I was pregnant again. We were so excited, but scared so I put my trust in God. I told everyone that or baby is going to be okay and I believed it. January 8th we had our first ultrasound. The best feeling ever. January 13 I was sitting in the e.r in disbelief. There is nothing anyone can say our do to take away the pain. All I could to is know that it wasn’t my time to be a min. It is so hard sometimes for me to even leave my house because I don’t want to see pregnant women to infants but I do, because who knows their story? Maybe they tried for years and had the same problem. Jeremiah 29:11
oh Victoria..you are a mom! don’t let the enemy steal that from you! the moment of conception you became a mom. Praying for you friend that Jesus would make this so real to you. that somehow through your pain your heart would find rest.
Oh Victoria, I am so sorry. I want you to know that I wholeheartedly agree with Ginger. You are a Mom. God gave those babies to you and for whatever reason they needed to go back to Him, but He made you a Mom the moment He created those precious lives. I am lifting you up in prayer right now…
Jesus, my heart hurts so much for Victoria today. It’s so hard to live here in this world with all this heartache. To be given something…someone so precious, only to have it taken away until we can see them again in Heaven. God, I am thankful that she knows you and is clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Father, I pray that you will continue to comfort this sweet mom who is so heartbroken and in so much pain. Hold her up with your loving arms, Jesus. Show her how real you are and hold her close as you begin to heal her heart and reveal your plans for her. Father, help her to trust you even through her brokenness and to hold on to the Hope that is you and the hope in a future that you have already planned for her. In your Son’s precious Name, Amen.
I am the mom of five wonderful children, 11, 5,3, 1 and a sweet baby with Jesus. I was 16 weeks along when I went to the Dr for a routine check-up and there was no heartbeat. There are so many decisions and things that happen that you just are not prepared for. The loss is still there and I think that it always will be. I rejoice and feel blessed with the children God did give me here on earth and I know I will see my sweet baby again, and Gods perfect plan for me will be complete and I will know the reason that my baby’s plan was to join Jesus so quickly.
Tonya,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us today and encouraging us to remember that God does have a perfect plan for us, even for the sweet lives He creates and brings back home to be with Him. I am praying for you now…
Father in Heaven, I lift Tonya up to you today and ask that you would continue to hold her close to you as you heal the broken places in her heart left there by sweet baby that was taken away all too soon. Thank you for walking with her through this pain and for helping her to trust you even through the anguish. Thank you for the four blessings she has here on this Earth and for the one she will someday hold in Heaven. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
I couldn’t help but cry while watching this video this morning because I have been in that place too. I was really close to walking away from God. I went through the loss of a marriage at a very young age. I was forced to leave a husband who wasn’t willing to give up drugs. After waiting many years to find the man of my dreams I found myself as a single mom, alone, disappointed, with nothing more then two suitcases to my name. But I too came to that same place. How could I walk away from my Father. I had no where else to go. And as you said I knew the truth so everything else was a lie or empty. The Lord continued to meet with me and show His faithfulness to me during that time as I turned to look for His faithfulness. It was easy to see all the negative and miss the little miracles He was preforming in my life.
I am so thankful to have gone through that because it grounded me even deeper in my relationship with Him. I have learned a ton about grace and now feel like I have that much more to offer others. It is those dark places that we can see Him the most. He is an incredible loving God.
Thank you for sharing! So glad you can help so many women now who have been down that same path.
Adrienne,
I can’t thank you enough for your honest words here today. They really encourage me and I know many others as well. It’s so humbling to me to find myself in a place of such darkness that it feels like no one could possibly understand and that there’s no way out or through. But, there is. The ONE who does understand and the ONE way through is Jesus. It brings me to my knees to look back at times in my own life when He literally worked in my heart one fiber at a time, reconnecting the broken pieces and bringing healing to my whole being. I can even remember resisting the healing because of bitterness and still, God’s faithful heart wouldn’t let go of me. I am so thankful for God’s miraculous work in your own heart and life my friend.
God, I pray for Adrienne today. I praise you for holding on to her so tightly and for her ultimate trust in you and decision to not walk away from the only One that could understand and heal her pain. Thank you Father, for the miracles, big and small, that have brought her to the place she is today. I pray that you will continue to remind her everyday of your everlasting Faithfulness and Love for her. Thank you for moving her to share her heart here today to encourage other moms of the Hope we can have in You, Jesus. In His Name, Amen.
I experienced a miscarriage between my first and second children. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, wasn’t trying. Then I found out I was and my husband and I were over the moon. We felt that God had a plan for this child and we didn’t want to question that. I ended up miscarrying and it broke our hearts. I was so very thankful I had my first child to cling to and remind me that God is good, even when my heart is broken.
However, I have been struggling with shame and pain that comes from two abortions before I was 20. I was a lost soul and involved in sexual sin that today still shames me. I knew I could not handle having a child, nor did I want one at either time. I am ashamed of myself. I see now that I was not following God’s plan for me. I was involved in unhealthy relationships with people who did not care for me. I did not want to be another statistic of an unwed mother struggling to raise a child on her own, for I knew that the father would never be around. I have asked God for forgiveness. I have admitted that I was allowing satan to influence me in those days. I was lost. But I cannot forgive myself. I think of the two children in Heaven that I willingly hurt and gave up. I am so very conflicted on this time of my life. I regret what I did, that I was allowing myself to be part of such a sinful sexual time. I also struggle because I do not regret the abortions because I knew I could not have taken care of those children and I knew that I would not have the future I wanted if I was a mother. I should have let those babies be adopted, be loved and cared for. But I was so ashamed…so frightened…so far from God. Satan was in my head. I am so infinitely sorry for the person I was then. For the fact that I let myself be put in that situation. For the fact that I was a sinful person who didn’t hear God or seek Him at a time I needed him most. Over 14 years later, happily married with three beautiful, healthy children, I still hurt from it. I still wonder why do I even deserve happiness? I worry that my children will suffer consequences of my sins. I hate myself when I remember who I was. I’ve been trying so hard to get closer to God. To be a Godly woman and raise my children with love and caring. To show them God, to teach them. But I do not think I can ever forgive myself and I worry every day that God may not either…
I realize that there are very strong views on abortion. I ask that if you read this, please don’t judge me. Please understand I was lost and I see the error of my ways and no one but God can understand my regret and pain. Please don’t condemn me. It took a lot of courage to post this here. So if you feel you must say something, or do something, in response to my post, please just pray for my soul.
You are a child of God! A beautiful one that was in Jesus’ heart and on His mind as he hung on the cross, this sin once confessed is forgiven. God sees that in you, not someone who was young and made the wrong choices.He sees you as a beautiful daughter of the King you MUST see yourself as forgiven. Though it is hard i’m sure, remind the enemy that your past mistakes are in the past and one drop of Jesus’ blood covers it. You amaze me with your strength and courage to confess this to us. From Isaiah 43;19 “says Forget the former things do not dwell on the past, See i am doing a new thing…I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland” God has a plan and wants you to walk in his grace and mercy let the presence of the healer sweep over you today. praying for you friend
Sweet friend. I have so many words I would love to wash over you, but I think these may be the most important: God doesn’t require you to forgive yourself. Scripture never actually mentions (that I can find) us forgiving ourselves, only that we believe in and accept the forgiveness Jesus died to give us. May I humbly suggest that you go before the Lord, in a moment of total honesty, and ask Him to help you receive His forgiveness? The truth is that if you’ve asked for it with a sincere, repentant heart, He’s already given it. What remains is for you to receive it and let it wash over you and run through you, and to every part of your heart. You ARE forgiven – and those babies are with Jesus.
Also – as someone who has a masters in Counseling and spent over 10+ years of her life working with women who have made similar choices to yours, I want you to know a few things:
1. You’re not alone. Many women have the exact same feelings, questions, and fears as you do who have an abortion in their past.
2. There is hope, help, and healing available to you. Please visit this website: http://www.abortionrecovery.org/ and find a recovery group near you. Please believe me friend, there are women who have experienced the same thing just waiting with open arms to receive you and help you heal. There won’t be any judgment there, just hope and help.
Lord God, thank you for our friend’s courage to tell the truth. I pray that Your mercy would find her and give her the strength she needs to take a step of faith toward healing. Help her to know down deep in her knower how truly loved she really is. In Jesus’ Name.
We have lost 4 babies – including set of twins. My second miscarriage, I was 5 months along and had life threatening complications. I delivered the baby at home – in our toilet – and in the panic (I was losing a great deal of blood and kept passing out) we flushed our child down the toilet. This is the first time I have ever spoken (wrote) the truth of what happened that day ‘outloud’ except to the doctor the day that it happened. I don’t think I could ever confess it face to face with anyone. I don’t think I could get the words out. The thought of it still mortifies me and I don’t know if I will ever heal from that…
There is no condemnation. NONE!! You did what you could at that time. If it brings a healing, have a ceremony. When we get a more permanent home, we will have a memorial flowering plant. Do whatever it takes to say good-bye and . Release your guilt. There is no condemnation.
Oh sweet Dawn – I’m so glad you finally spoke that out loud. The enemy is holding it over your head sweet one, and there’s such power in releasing a secret. There is no shame in what you did. The fact of the matter is that I flushed my baby down the toilet too. And while mine wasn’t as developed as yours, and I couldn’t see anything that resembled a baby, I struggled DEEPLY with that. I’ve come to learn that most women DO struggle with that aspect of it. You are NOT alone, and you are accepted by God. AND, your baby is with Him. The truth is that what flushed down there was only the body, not your child’s heart or soul. THAT is with God. Take rest in that.
Also – I agree wholeheartedly with Angie. Please take the time to plan out a way to acknowledge that child if you haven’t. If you read chapter 4 of Hope for the Weary Mom, you’ll see that that’s exactly what I did. I can’t tell you how healing and freeing it was to release our baby. We only did it with our small family, but I felt a tremendous burden had lifted once it was done. I’m praying for the same peace and freedom for you today.
Dear Dawn, I am so glad that you have told your story. I can relate so much to what happened to you because we had a similar experience. I was filled with such a tremendous guilt for flushing away our baby’s body, for not thinking clearly. Many women share this experience with you. Brooke is right. Your baby is with God and there are many other ways you can choose to celebrate and honor your child’s life. Give your thoughts over to Jesus when you feel that guilt. He hears you and sees you and he will hold your heart. You were so brave to share today.
When I found out I was pregnant last fall of 2011 I had some light bleeding on and off. So I went to have an ultrasound done to see if everything was ok. Come to find out I was expecting twins. I was in shock for awhile, but excited as well. Since I was so early in the pregnancy (4-6 weeks) and bleeding they wanted to do follow up ultrasounds. I waited three weeks and then it was time to see my little ones again. One little guy, Levi, was healthy and you could see the very early signs of a baby. Sadly, the other one had stopped forming.
I don’t think I have completely grieved for him yet. I feel that I would have had twin boys. At times I find myself grieving and other times I’m happy. One thing I’m learning this year is that God strengthens me when I give him all my weakness. So, I become stronger when I’m in God’s arms. The same place my little guy is right now.
Jennifer, you are right to say that when we are in God’s arms we are stronger. I am praying for you to find a place and time to let God’s grace into this place of loss.
May God bless you sweet friend.
My husband and I have experience several losses; early miscarriages throughout our nearly twenty years together. Most recently, after several years of trying to conceive we miraculously began pregnant with a son in 2007 but was born prematurely at 24 weeks in 2008. He lived 2 1/2 days. Again, the Lord blessed us with a pregnancy later in 2008. However, our sweet Anna had a heart defect, a severe one. She was born in June, 2009, endured open heart surgery but then died 19 days later. We couldn’t understand why God would give us these children that we so desired only to take them away and our faith was severely tested. We clung to the verse Jeremiah 29:11 knowing that His plans are far greater than our own. Six months after Anna died, we were privileged to adopt a newborn baby girl. Later in 2010 I found out I was pregnant again and delivered a healthy daughter in 2011. Our hearts will always have a void for our sweet children that are with our Lord, happy and healthy, and we continually marvel at the way God’s grace, mercy and love have covered us and given us hope for now and for the future!
Naomi I’m so grateful you shared your story here. My prayer for you is that you will continue to have hope for the future, and that God will remind you of His faithfulness even in the most difficult times.
My miscarriage happened three months ago. I already have three children ages 3 and under but I had so much peace and joy finding out we were pregnant again even though we knew it’d be hard. I’ve never had any complications with my pregnancies but I spotting all through this one. I did all the right things – call my mom, my doctor, take it easy, etc. On Nov. 3rd, 2012, I started bleeding more and cramping. I didn’t to admit what was going on. It was my husband’s birthday. I wanted it to be a happy day. We went to the ER and I was in a ton of pain. I basically went through labor and started want am epidural. I didnt know I was only 6 weeks along but I think all my muscles were weak with having babies so clise together. It wasn’t till the nurses got me to a bed and I passed my baby did I let the pain come. I cried that cry. You know, the one from the soul. I thank God my husband was there. Once again as God led peace when we were surprised with pregnancy, He led peace while our baby left this home to go to Jesus’ home. We became a witness to the doctors and the nurses as we talked about our baby in heaven and how we trust God. We had joy through our tears and smiles with our pain. We were real in our mourning with the peace and joy of God. One nurse whispered to us that she too believed that life started at conception and that our baby was in heaven. They are taught that if you can see the baby as a fetus then the pain will be less because it really wasn’t a person yet. I think that’s what hurt the most. Our family member was gone. I had already dreamed about that little one’s life. Would she look like me? Would he love wrestling with his brothers? How soon would she crawl? (my last one started at 4.5months!) We decided to name our family member even he/she was only part of our lives for a short time.I don’t want to forget PJ (short for Peaceful-Joy). I’m so blessed to be that litte baby’s mommy and I’m blessed that through this sadness and mourning. I understand the pain of a mother’s loss and I look forward to give comfort to others as I was comforted by God, family, and friends. Even just writing this has caused tears that bring healing which brings that comfort and peace of the Holy Spirit.
Rachel God sees and collect every one of our tears.
He loves you.
He holds you and yes all of your babies – in your home and in heaven.
Lord I thank you for the hope Rachel has. I am grateful for the loving nurses who walked with her gently when her child was welcomed in your heavenly home. I pray you will bless Rachel with peace that surpasses all understanding. We thank you for being the giver of life. We don’t always understand your ways Lord, but we place our faith in you.
At that time I wasn’t close to God..I believed in him but didn’t have a faithful relationship w/him. I was 23 and it was my first pregnancy, excited but afraid. I never thought i would be a mother I was in a bad relationship, one where I felt lonely, nobody cared for me. My baby father had me literally imprisoned, didn’t have communication with my family or close friends. I was 3 mths pregnant , bad morning sickness, I couldn’t hold anything in, I would be sick constantly and I needed my mom so much! But I would cry out to God to help me! I didn’t have a car or cell phone back then. Til one night we got into a bad argument he threw me down, I was really weak at the time.. he called me horrible names, he just made me feel so worthless and unwanted. He left and I had a lot of mixed emotions, I was dumb and felt so lonely that I felt nobody wanted “us” I tried suicide I cut my wrist .. The most dumbest thing but I didn’t want to harm my baby, I ran to closest neighbors house and they called the ambulance. Never saw him again I saw my mom beside me the greatest joy at that point. A month later after dr trying to help me gain weight and keep something in I lost my baby.. Sometimes I think God took him for a reason, maybe I wasnt ready to be a mom..He was a boy named Angel David he would of been 12 this year..my heart still feels an empty whole. I’ve two beautiful kids right now the best that’s ever happened to me..I just hope that one day I’ll see my baby..and this guilt of me trying to take our lives away, heals
Father, thank you for Hilda and her love for you. Thank you that through it all you have not lost sight of her. May she know without a shadow of doubt that you love her with a love that will never let her go.
I pray that grace will wash over Hilda right now. Lord we know that if we are your children nothing can separate us from your love – nothing. I pray that Hilda will know you and the power of your forgiveness. May she be set free from the guilt that she holds to.
Lord you redeem it all. Our broken places can be used for your glory. I pray for my sweet sister to allow you to do just that.
In your name Jesus, we have hope. Always.
Brooke, thank you for writing this chapter and thank you for being vulnerable. Part of my story begins Sept 23, 2010. It is the birthday our of 5th baby, Lulu Grace. We have been blessed with 3 boys and a daughter even before Lulu was born. Four days after our 2nd daughter was born, she was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I felt like a child sitting in the hospital listening to the geneticist explaining what T18 was, having to make decisions for our baby that no one should ever have to make. Lulu stayed in the NICU for 18 days and then we brought her home to our family. We kissed her, squeezed her, read to her, sang to her, slowed our world down for her. And we got to do this for 62 days. On Nov 24, 2010, Lulu celebrated her heaven birthday. Although its been 2 years, the grief is still very real. It is when I look at Annabelle {our other daughter} and think she will not have a sister to grow up with. It is when we are out and a stranger asks ‘are these all your children?’ No, we have 5. It was when I no longer needed to shop in the baby section of the store. Someone once told me that if you took grief and boiled it to it’s very core you would be left with loneliness. I believe that to be true. I also believe that as individual our grief, so is our relationship with God. No one grieves exactly the same. My husband and my grief is different, even though it is for our daugher. Such is our relationship with God. He is our rock, but we cry out to Him differently and {thankfully} He meets us differently…exactly where we need it most. We prayed for a miraculous healing for Lulu for 2 1/2 months. We did not get the healing that we asked for, but God is teaching me that our healing and His healing does not look the same. Who am I to think that Lulu was the one that needed ‘healed’ {after all she was created in His image, fearfully and wonderfully made}, maybe God gave her to us, so that He could heal us. How humbling is that? I know, this is a little backwards thinking, but it is what has helped me cling to my Savior more and more everyday. He did not have to give us Lulu. The fact that He chose us, makes me eternally grateful. And makes me eternally His.
Oh Cami – this “maybe God gave her to us, so that He could heal us. How humbling is that?” is one of the most beautiful things I think I have come across in a long time. We truly do not understand His ways. We won’t until heaven. I have a friend who has walked a similar path, and all I can say is that there is more grace than we need. We can’t use it up, ever.
Lord I thank you for Cami and her precious family. They have taught me so much over the past couple of years. I praise you for the gift of Lulu – the hope she gives us that awaits us all in heaven – true healing one day in your presence.
Lord we look to you for life and grace. I ask for Cami and her family to find their strength in you. May they know your comfort, your peace and I ask that you will continue to give them hope for each day.
My husband and I had only been a few months when we found out we were expecting our 1st baby. I wasn’t too sure if I was really ready but I trusted God would ready my heart. 7 weeks into the pregnancy during my first ultrasound it was apparent something was wrong. The baby was not showing as far along as it should. The doctor said to come back in a week. That next week I ended up miscarrying. While I waited for over 2 hours in the ER waiting room I was bleeding all over myself and crying wondering God was allowing me to go through this. I didnt realize at the time how common miscarriages were and so I began to really evaluate my life and what
I may have done or not done right since getting pregnant. Because surely I believed it was my fault. I ended taking a whole month off of work because of the grief and guilt. Thankfully I found a message board called ” pain , heart ache, hope” and that helped me a bunch! I was finally able to believe that I did not cause this. Unfortunately the one person I was hoping to gain the most support from told me I “just needed to get over it! ” I was crushed and was questioning my relationship with this person as well as my faith in God…afterall I had trusted God that this man was my soul mate and now that man was crushing my already wounded heart. It was a few months later we were given the thumbs up to try again. We conceived immediately. .. and nine months later gave birth to my beautiful son. I have since gone on to have a girl as well. The journey of healing from the loss and hurt has taken me through many seasons. The journey of learning to forgive my husband for his hurtful remarks has taken some time but I realize that we are not perfect and that was not his shining moment but it clearly might have been his way of coping through the disappointment at that time.
Lots of lessons have been learned… and continue to be learned in God’s grace.
Lacey you are right to say healing is journey and it looks different for everyone. But the source is still Jesus – our only hope!
Father I want to pray for Lacey and her sweet family. Thank you for 3 beautiful children, all created by you in your image. I pray that you will continue to bless them with healing and grace on this journey Lord. I specifically ask for Lacey and her husband to walk together, as one with no disconnect because of hurt from harsh words.
I also thank you for the gift of perspective that you have given Lacey – I know that this will bless many others as well. Continue to use her story to bring comfort to others, as you have comforted her.
It’s actually kinda crazy. I got this book months ago when it was free, but never read it. Then, I think by prompting of the Holy Spirit, I decided to read it, and it changed my whole outlook on life. When I read this chapter on miscarriage, I was actually pregnant. As I read it, I laid a hand on my womb and prayed, “Lord, I feel her pain, but please, let this not happen to me.” About 3 weeks later, on New Year’s Eve, I began to spot and eventually bleed, and I realized that I was, in fact, going through a miscarriage. In fact, I was exactly at the same point that the author was when she found out that she was miscarrying. Just last week, I completed my miscarriage and I believe that it was reading this chapter before going through it (and quickly reading it again once I realized what was going on) that helped me to actualize it. I was heartbroken for over a week, then wrote a blog post about it (http://mamacowen.blogspot.com) and posted about it on Facebook, and at that moment, I felt a release in the Spirit. I’ve been doing pretty well, considering, and actually filled with joy that God could use my experience and being open about it to His advantage. He has shown me His sovereignty and His grace and His timing in everything. Yesterday, at church, it hit me once again about the finality of it all, and coupled with other stressors, made me break down crying. In the end, though, I know that God will bring our family through the process and I am proud to be used by Him to touch others through my experience.
Your comment brought me to tears Lindsey. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m so very grateful that the Lord would use my experience to bring you comfort. I’m not going to say it makes it worth it, but it brings me so much hope and fills me with faith in His greater plan. I’m praying for you right now. We’re walking through this together.
Where to begin? Thank you for being so transparent! And thank you to each and every person who has left a comment as well. I tried to read all of them and pray along – my heart aches so much for each and every family who has suffered a loss (or multiple losses)
My husband and I struggled with infertility for a few years before we were able to have our first child. After she was born we had 4 miscarriages within 3 years. Since then we’ve been overly blessed with 3 more beautiful babies! I too felt like every where I looked there was someone who was pregnant or carrying their newborn in their arms. I was angry and hurt and confused. Why God? That’s all I could ever ask. It honestly took me 3 years to truly come back to Jesus. I always knew in my heart that Jesus Christ was and is my saviour, but like you said, I was scared. He took away 4 of my babies, I couldn’t handle any more pain. It was a gradual return to Christ. In fact, I’m still working on it. I still have questions – not just about pregnancy losses, but pain in other areas of my life. My marriage is struggling right now, and my husband doesn’t seem to see it or chooses to ignore it. I’m at that place again, asking God “why?”.
I can’t thank you enough for your words and your prayers! I have been telling everyone I know about this book and the amazing way that God is working though it!
Thank you April for sharing Hope with others. We pray it blesses!
Father, thank you for this sweet one who is honest about the journey and how it took her 3 years to come back to you. Lord I praise you that in that 3 years – you never left her side. We ask your blessings on April and her family. Please bring great joy in the growing years, and may their hearts know that you are good, all the time, even when we can’t see it with our own eyes.
Thanks for the writing. We have three beautiful living children but lost three in miscarriage over our 9 married years. I trust the Lord, but it wasn’t easy. I have yet to read your book but one thing that helped me process was the book “Heaven is for real.” There is a chapter that talks about the boy meeting his sister who his mother had miscarried and it made me cry thinking I would meet those babes in heaven one day.
Tara – I have heard the story of “Heaven is for Real” and that part of the story where he meets his sister is such a gift! I’m so grateful for that! Thanks for reminding us all about it!
Lord thank you for Tara and her faith. We pray right now that you will give her abounding hope that will continue to move her forward. May she know that you love her and her family, both here in and heaven. I pray for your grace to meet her today, in a unique and blessed way!
This chapter touched on what I have been feeling for more than a year now. My husband and I have 2 amazing kids and have been trying for more with a dream of a big family. I lost a baby last October, but was able to move past it believing that God had a plan for me and that an early pregnancy loss is, unfortunately, normal. When I got pregnant again, I was excited, but scared. I prayed and prayed for His strength and mercy. We waited until about week 14 to tell our family and the kids. At 15 weeks, my water broke and I delivered our baby too soon. It completed destroyed me. I felt helpless and heartbroken and angry. I stopped praying for a while and curled up inside myself. After a few months, my family started attending church and I opened myself up to God’s grace. I asked him to heal my heart and my womb and to fill me up with his glory and beauty and peace. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I physically felt His presence. I felt healed and continued to pray. I got pregnant again and instead of worrying, I told God I was putting my life and my baby’s life in His hands. I told Him I believed He loved me and would guide us where we were meant to go. I just lost my third baby. Aside from my grief, I have really struggled with this because I don’t understand why I feel like I need something so much to only have it taken away again and again. I feel like God let me down. I wish that He could take this desire for another baby from my heart so that I never again have to go through this roller coaster of hope, excitement, fear, disappointment and grief.
Tamara, I am writing this to you through tears and a very burdened heart for all that you have endured and suffered through. I am so sorry my friend. I don’t understand it either. But I am thankful that God does. He know the reasons and He know every detail of what lies ahead. I know that these words don’t even scratch the surface of giving you the kind of comfort you need, but as He has done before…He will do it again. Jesus sees every single tear you’ve shed and knows your innermost thoughts. So, I am praying for you right now Tamara.
Father, with a heavy and sad heart, I am lifting Tamara up to you. I pray that you would make your presence known to her now as you have before. Wrap her up in your loving arms as only you can do and begin to heal her very wounded heart and spirit, Father. I also ask that you would take the desires and dreams of her heart and begin to tenderly work on them with her together and reveal to her the desires of your heart for her life. Be strong where she is weak and give her a refuge when she needs safety and even a place to hide. I pray that Tamara will continue to seek you even when she doesn’t understand and even in the midst of her anguish over the loss of her babies. Give her comfort Father and continue to intercede for her when she just cannot find the words.
I have had two miscarriages, my second and fourth pregnancies. The first one happened while we were on vacation visiting my in-laws. I don’t feel I ever really grieved for that baby. It all happened so fast, and I felt that everyone just wanted me to forget. It was such a weird and scary experience. That was in July 2005. I did get pregnant again and we had a son in October of 2006. My second miscarriage was in September 2011. I just knew something wasn’t right before we ever went to the doctor. That was a very dark time. The only thing that kept me going was my sweet five year old son. He was the only reason I got out of bed every day. My oldest, 15 at the time, was caught with drugs and having sex, you name it, he was doing it. I was so angry with God for letting me have a child only to let him grow up to do this and now that I’m “better prepared” for a child He let me lose it. Then those thoughts just led to more guilt and questions. What/where did I go wrong? Why is this happening? God thinks I’m a awful mom and that’s why He took this baby. I just knew that everyone could see a dark cloud over our house. It was an awful place to be. I felt like everyone that drove by our house knew that Satan was living here, and this was a place of sadness. But the truth was, no one really knew. I didn’t share my grief (the loss of a baby and the struggles with my teenager) with anyone, not truthfully anyway. I would just say I’m fine, change the subject, or try to say the “church-y” answers (you know, “God’s timing,” “His will,” etc). I couldn’t go to church or the grocery store due to panic attacks. It was awful. A month after my miscarriage I was pregnant again, and not happy (can you say MORE guilt?). My husband and I had just had a talk about how we were not going to try for another baby, at least not now, Little did I know I was already pregnant. I just knew we were going to lose this one as well and I was so done with the disappointment being thrown my way. However, God had other plans. After three rough months, my doctor put me on antidepressants. Six months, lots of prayer, and a much better place (mentally) later, we had a sweet baby girl. I’m still working through “things” and I have to constantly remember God sees me, loves me, is with me, and is growing me. I do believe that if I hadn’t gotten pregnant when I did, I wouldn’t have gotten the help that I needed. He sure does work in mysterious ways!
This book study couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Thank you so much!
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Last summer I had 6 kids, the youngest being 15 months & 3 months. I was overwhelmed and my cycle was not regular. I found myself for the 1st time, fearful of getting pregnant again. Only to find myself in the midst of a miscarriage not even knowing I was already pregnant. I was taken back how I grieved and know that if ever blessed with child again I will be thankful. I dealt with that guilt of the Lord gifting us & me not being thankful. Wondering if God took away what I didn’t think I would be grateful for.